callingoutbigotry:

• A Rolex watch or a fancy car in a bad neighborhood. I am not the basis for a ridiculous victim-blaming metaphor based on theft. I am a person, not an object.
• Your sister or daughter or wife. I exist independently of my relationships with and importance to men. It is not wrong that I was sexually assaulted because I am someone’s daughter. It’s wrong because I am a human being.
• To blame. I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t want it. It doesn’t matter what I wore or if I was intoxicated or if I flirted. I never wanted this. No one ever would.
• A punchline. Rape is not a joke. Rape is not funny. If you think it is funny, it’s probably because you’re a rapist.
• Impure. I am not worthless or dirty or sullied. The person who did this to me is.
• An opportunity to play devil’s advocate. The devil has enough advocates. They’re called 90% of our society, and they’ve already said every single thing your puny, unimaginative brain could possibly think of.
• Going to be silenced. Not by my abuser, and not by you or anyone else.

(via queeringmisogyny)

[TW: Abuse]

Pro-tip: If a survivor/victim of trauma is telling you that what you’re doing is not helping (and even goes a step farther to tell you what exactly will help), but you’re too busy telling them they’re wrong… then you’re not really wanting to help them, are you? 

If you can’t take the time to listen to what survivors are saying, what good do you think you’ll accomplish?

If you’re really doing this for them and not yourself, you’d listen to them.

(Source: writeoutoflove)

TW: Rape

weadorehbochanges:

…What?

“Tasteful and necessary”? Did that really just come out of your mouth?

You did not just call a near-rape or sexual assault scene tasteful. That is disgusting and so condescending that I can’t even think of the proper words to express it. This is a gross confession, and I can’t believe this was ever thought appropriate to blog (especially without a trigger warning!).

Also, this was not necessary. They used a near-rape scene for nothing more than a plot-point. That is degrading and insulting to survivors. Sexual assault is not just a blip on the radar to make someone look “bad” or to make you feel sorry for a character. Guess what, the book-readers who never had these type of scene in the books understood perfectly well how dangerous Sansa’s position was and the horrible state of King’s Landing. What does that tell you?

This was not needed. It wasn’t.

I’m actually shaking in my chair right now.

EDIT: Keeping commentary above, but even if this is a sarcastic blog/confession, this is still gross and unnecessary. And not even a trigger warning? Awful.

(Source: )

rightnowsomewhere:

Common Reactions to Sexual Assault

Each survivor of sexual assault responds uniquely to the assault, and the recovery process is different for each individual. These reactions may be experienced days, months, or years after an assault. Survivors suffer a great deal of physical and emotional trauma as a result of a sexual assault. Responses to a sexual assault can be immediate or delayed. Each survivor responds uniquely, and the recovery process is different for each individual. While there are individual differences to survivors’ experiences of sexual assault, there are common patterns to trauma recovery that are normative and natural.

The following is a list of reactions to sexual assault.  It is not a comprehensive list but rather a sampling of common post-assault symptoms.  Survivors can expect to experience some or many physical, emotional, cognitive, or social symptoms listed below:

Physical Effects

• changes in eating patterns
• changes in sleeping patterns
• eating disorders
• fatigue
• gastrointestinal irritability
• headaches
• HIV/AIDS
• muscular tension
• nightmares
• physical injuries
• pregnancy
• sexually transmitted diseases
• substance abuse
• soreness
• stress related depression
• immune system responses

Emotional Effects

• anger
• anxiety
• denial
• depression, sadness
• embarrassment, feeling exposed, humiliated
• fear
• helplessness
• hopelessness
• muscular tension
• mood swings
• numbness
• obsessions/compulsions
• phobias
• sense of disbelief
• sense of unreality
• shame, guilt, self-blame
• vulnerability
• shock

Cognitive Effects

• am I damaged goods?
• am I dirty?
• bad things happen to bad people, good things happen to good people; therefore I must be bad
• confusion
• difficulty concentrating
• flashbacks
• I deserved it because…
• if I forget about it, it will go away…
• what if I hadn’t done…?
• what will people think?
• why me?
• will others reject me?
• will they blame me?

Social Effects

• changes in lifestyle
• difficulty getting things accomplished
• difficulty with intimacy
• difficulty/apprehension around men or apprehension around persons having similar attributes to the perpetrator
• discomfort around other people
• disruption in sexual relations
• fear of being alone
• fear of leaving house (especially alone)
• fear/nervousness in crowds
• hypersensitivity when relating to others
• loss of trust in self and others
• withdrawal from people, relationships, activities
  
  
  

  Helping a Survivor of Sexual Assault

  It can be a very challenging experience when someone discloses a sexual assault; however, knowing how to be supportive can be crucial in a survivor’s healing process. There are two things you need to think about: how you can support the survivor, and how you can take care of yourself. How you can help the survivor:

  • Believe the survivor - Know that revealing this experience takes a great deal of strength and courage. Remember that NO ONE DESERVES TO BE ASSAULTED. Remind the survivor that the assault was not her/his fault. Let the survivor know that you believe her/him.
  • Be respectful of privacy and confidentiality - Don’t tell anyone about the assault without the survivor’s permission. The survivor has chosen to tell you and it may be hurtful to inform others.
  • Provide information - There are several things a survivor may want to think about: seeking counseling, obtaining medical attention, preserving evidence, or reporting to the police. It is important to provide information but to allow the survivor to make her or his own choices. SAPAC is available to help you learn how to help a survivor. Call our office at 998-9368 or the SAFE House Crisis Line at 995-5444.
  • Let the survivor make her/his own decisions - The survivor may feel dirty or “unclean” or may worry that her/his friends and loved ones won’t think of her/him in the same way. Let the survivor know you don’t see her/him differently.
  • Be aware of your desire to provide reassurance - You can provide information and options for the survivor, but always let the survivor make her/his own decisions. Many survivors feel a deep sense of disempowerment as a result of being violated. Therefore it is important to help the survivor feel empowered. Instead of taking charge, ask how you can help. Offer to accompany the survivor to seek medical attention or to the police if s/he so chooses. Support the decisions the survivor makes, even if you don’t agree with them.
  • Remind the survivor that you care - Saying things like “everything is going to be all right” or “it could have been worse” may seem supportive, however, the survivor may interpret these reassurances to mean that you don’t understand her/his feelings, or that you are trivializing the magnitude of what s/he has experienced. Instead you might say, “I’m sorry this happened” or “how can I be helpful?”
  • Give the survivor space if s/he needs it - It can be a very challenging experience when someone discloses a sexual assault. However, knowing how to be supportive can be crucial in a survivor’s healing process.
  • Be a good listener - Recovering from a sexual assault can take a long time.  The survivor may need your support now and in the future.  Let the survivor choose when s/he wants to talk and how much s/he wants to share.  Sometimes the survivor may not want to talk at all.  When the survivor does choose to talk to you, these are things to keep in mind:
    • DO concentrate on understanding the survivor’s feelings
    • DO allow silences
    • DO let the survivor know you are glad s/he told you
    • DON’T interrogate or ask for specific details about the sexual assault
    • DON’T ask “why” questions such as “why did you go there?” or “why didn’t you scream?”
    • DON’T tell her/him what you would have done or what s/he should have done

  How you can help yourself:

  • Learn as much as you can about sexual assault - Be as familiar as you can with community resources and common reactions to sexual assault. This will help you better understand the survivor’s experiences and the process of recovery. SAPAC has information for you; call our office at 998-9368.
  • Be aware of your own reactions to sexual assault - You may feel a sense of violation when someone you care about has been assaulted. You may experience feelings of confusion, hurt or anger. You may wish you could make the survivor’s pain go away. No matter how helpful you are, you can’t make the sexual assault disappear. The best you can do is help the survivor find ways to help her/himself. Your support is much more helpful to the survivor than your anger and frustration.
  • Recognize the difference between what you want and what the survivor wants - Try to distinguish between what you are doing to make yourself feel better from what you are doing to help the survivor. You may be tempted to do things that make you feel better which are not helpful to the survivor, such as beating up the assailant or trying to get the survivor to just “forget about it”. Instead, ask the survivor what would be most helpful.
  • Know your limitations - Every individual has a limit to how much s/he can give. This does not make you a failure. It is important to know your own limitations of support and to share these clearly with the survivor. Provide the survivor with other support options; for example, provide her/him with SAPAC and SAFE House phone numbers. Let the survivor know you will not feel hurt if s/he chooses to talk with someone else.
  • Seek support for yourself - Your support plays a critical role in the survivor’s recovery. Talking with someone who can help you work through your own feelings will better enable you to support the survivor. Remember to respect the survivor’s privacy when seeking support from others. SAPAC support is available for you. Call 998-9368 to schedule an appointment.
   

(via blueeyes-auburnhair)

Trigger Warning: Rape~

Joking about rape, making light of molestation, acting as if anyone deserved it, etc. is perpetuating the idea that rape isn’t serious or is the fault of someone else besides the rapist/molester. Whether or not a fictional character is involved doesn’t matter… If the idea is funny at all or you feel someone would get a laugh out of any experience dealing with rape, you are planting the seed in someone’s mind that it’s okay in certain situations.

It’s okay “because they’re not real.”

It’s okay “because it’s just a joke.”

It’s okay “because I’m not saying this directly to a rape/assault victim.”

The fact is, it’s not okay. It’s not okay at all.

Rape and assault can be one of the most traumatic experiences a person can go through… The degradation, the embarrassment, the accusations, the nightmares, the feeling of being completely powerless and dirty and worthless. None of that should ever be minimized in any situation. When one situation becomes “okay” it opens the door for other situations to be blown off, as well.

A lot of people who make rape jokes or who use the word so casually (like, “omg, rape my ask box!”) would most likely never intend to hurt someone with their words. (I’m going to be a positive person and believe that.) But people need to be aware that rape and assault are so common that chances are someone who has gone through those traumatic experiences will read or hear what you say… And they will be reminded of those memories and those feelings. Your intentions were probably not to make that happen, but it will.

I don’t want to attack anyone personally, but I just feel it needs to be said.

(Source: writeoutoflove)

fromonesurvivortoanother:

[trigger warning: rape, sexual abuse]

• Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) can and does happen years and even decades after the fact. A person may be able to shrug it off and be a functional member of society, but then a life event can trigger PTSD. In my own case, getting into my first sexual relationship triggered PTSD symptoms (panic attacks, hyper-vigilance, nightmares, etc) for me five years after my abuse had stopped.
• Despite popular belief, survivors of abuse can and do repress memories. Many people disassociate or repress entire blocks of time, or even specific details, from their minds. It can take years and years of personal struggle to finally recover these memories. The misconception that repressed memories are false largely stems from a series of papers which were written in the ’90s, and then reproduced in textbooks after. Since then, however, recovered memories have uncovered key details and led to convictions in many criminal cases. (For more details, as well as case studies, see here.)
• Many survivors of sexual abuse, particularly child survivors, lack the language to even communicate their experience. In public schools which shame sex or try to avoid discussion of the topic as much as possible, there is little to no information widely disseminated about what sexual abuse and rape are, let alone consent, personal boundaries, or the specific names of body parts. Survivors of sexual violence must literally learn new language in order to properly describe their experience— a process which can take years. (I have written about my own experience with this here.)
• Sexual abuse and rape are things that completely disrupt a person’s self-worth. These things send a very clear message that the person cannot control the world around them, or at least that their ability to do so is very limited. So why would they report it?
• The perpetrators of sexual violence are often people that the survivor trusted— teachers, doctors, police officers, or others praised within the community. So why should they trust some of the same people? This also means that the survivor often has to not only fight the person who hurt them, but the entire community as a whole. 
• Many survivors of sexual violence are economically or emotionally dependent upon their abusers. This includes married women without career prospects, children who cannot leave until they turn eighteen, and other people in abusive relationships. If reporting your abuser is the difference between being starving on the streets or having a home, then there isn’t much of a choice. 
• Child survivors of abuse don’t know any better. Children have little to no frame of reference for sexual abuse. If it is all they have ever known, and they have learned to expect it, why would they report it?
• Many police departments are not properly trained in sexual assault protocol, and some of them don’t even offer advocates (this happened in my own case— even as a minor). 
• It is often the survivor who is put on trial, not the perpetrator. In a society in which women are blamed for what they wear, or children and men are completely disbelieved, the survivor is often scrutinized in every possible way by the prosecution. Their sex lives, personal relationships, and politics are all put under a microscope. 
• Technology can and does change. Imagine being impregnated by and having your rapist’s child in the ’50s, only to be able to prove it was his in the ’70s with genetics. With a statute of limitations, this kind of new evidence could be completely ignored.

(via blueeyes-auburnhair)